Dear parents, relationship begins with understanding. Understanding needs the ability to empathize with what moves my child. To empathize, it requires an understanding to reflect with a suitable language and attitude about the use of pornographic content.
In the following, we would like to assist you in understanding the processes involved in viewing and consuming pornographic material.
What is pornography?
The term "pornography" derives from the two Greek words "pórnē" ("whore") and "gráphein" (writing, drawing). Pornography has been around for a long time: wall paintings and drastic obscene pictures have already been found during excavations in Pompeii. As different as pornography is, so different are different views and definitions. In general, it should be noted that sexually explicit pornography, which is rated as sexually addictive and sexually addictive, is called pornography.
Does pornography have any significance for the development of your growing children?
For teenagers most significant in connection with pornography is the internet. Here you will find - often unintentionally - representations with just a few clicks, which can be used for excitement, amusement, demarcation and as a masturbation template depending on sex and content. Never before has it been easier to get pornographic material almost always and everywhere.
There are already 400 million websites worldwide. These opportunities can lead to young people learning and practicing early oral practices and different positions. Their growing children are therefore confronted with sexualized images, words and communication that do not correspond to their physical and mental developmental maturity. Many want it to be the same body pictures. In doing so, the will can develop according to its own personality, depending on the personality structure, childhood experiences and experienced educational style.
In the beginning of puberty your child seeks his own identity and thus a place in society. It is now beginning to slowly dissolve from the parents' home and increasingly build up their own social relationships. Sexuality also plays an important role. The undressed body and its own sexuality are perceived as a privacy, which must be protected from the glances of the others. During adolescence, adolescents undergo physical and mental changes. Sex hormones are produced and help the body develop the sexual organs.
For girls this means:
- Start with approx. age
- The breasts grow
- The vagina with clit and labia is getting bigger
- Hair growth under the armpits and around the vagina
- The cycle begins (they get their menstruation)
For boys this means:
- Start with approx. 11th-13th age
- Voices break
- The penis becomes longer and thicker
- The testicles grow
- Hair growth under the armpits, on the chest, on the waist bag, under the arms
The brain learns
This physical development changes a lot in the minds of young boys and girls. The American psychiatrist Jay Giedd from the National Institute of Mental Health in Maryland has been investigated thousands of children's and teenage brainwashers with a nuclear spin tomograph. At the same time, he came upon a huge construction site, where new scaffolding were constantly screwed together and old ones demolished. Under the influence of foaming sex hormone production a growth wave begins in the brain with puberty. It starts with a massive new production of nerve cells in the forebrain and reaches its climax with eleven in girls, in boys with twelve years.
Gerald Hüther, a neurobiologist at the Psychiatric Clinic of the University of Göttingen, explains that "a formative restructuring phase occurs in the brain before and during puberty under the influence of sex hormone production." In this period, nerve cells are increasingly forming new compounds ( "connections" which are often claimed, are retained or are even strengthened, as soon as they are used or are not used at all. The brain thus learns to use.
Gerald Hüther says: "Neuronal trampolines, paths, roads, motorways, that is to say, from originally narrow paths (knotted neural connections), depending on the frequency, duration and intensity of the use. Finally, fixed structures, pioneered ways of thinking, habits, inner images, which are now again being used more frequently and thus intensify. "
According to G. Hüther, we learn most intensively when:
- it is emotional,
- We are in vulnerable stages of development and
- these are the first experiences of this kind.
Pornography therefore develops a particularly strong effect when it:
- Is associated with strong feelings - excitement, orgasm,
- In childhood and puberty is perceived as well
- no own sexual experiences have preceded.
The expert Tabea Freitag summed up: "Learning psychologically, this is alarming because, as explained above, this early confrontation occurs at a time when the sexual preference structure develops in the brain around puberty and is linked to sexual arousal. In addition, the adolescents in the pubertal phase of the uncertainty and norm orientation (what is announced) can be strongly influenced. " 1
In this time of transformation, dear parents fall in love with their growing children, a time when sexual desires and preferences want to be discovered and lived. Vulnerability increases. The French psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto calls this time of development as a Hummer syndrome:
"When the lobster changes the tank, he first loses his old tank, and then, as long as until a new one has grown, is completely defenseless"
The first love
Your growing children fall in love, keep with the friend, the girlfriends hands, spend a lot of time together and kiss each other. They have the feeling of being together. This first tender love is usually experienced as very romantic. Being intimate with each other usually takes weeks or months. The influence of the media often plays a role here.
They are in an unstable life phase (see section "The brain learns"), which makes them insecure. The changes of the body, lack of self-esteem, increasing standardization pressure (what is modern?) And changing self-doubt, especially among girls after recognition in the peers. They want to get behind the scenes for the first time. The boys, on the other hand, want to finally make the experience that makes a boy a man. The curiosity, the possibilities of the contents from the pornography to try out and take over is great. If this usage behavior remains unreflected and persists, it may be that the satisfaction of needs comes to the fore. There is a habituation process. Same reactions can only be produced with increased stimulation. Your children will unlearn what love is and this at a time when they are just beginning to learn what love is.
In this unstable development phase, your children need protection, orientation, education, support and dialogue. Here the family offers not only emotional protection, but also excellent development possibilities. Now, as you know, development does not take place in the comfort zone, but in the challenging zone, and this takes place in the border area.
Maintaining one's own boundaries and those of your child while maintaining a balance between encouraging control and encouraging self-determination is a challenging task!
Family as an emotional training camp
You as parents are indispensable for your growing children and an emotional support in the relationship work. Parents often stop and do not react when their children are unreflectively dealing with a sexualized language. To be sensitive and to look for the conversation, strengthen parents and sensitize their growing children. This is confirmed by experts with statements that we would not want to withhold.
"Young people appreciate the fact that they have an opposite, which is not really shocked, not communicating morally, but is really interested in them, but also makes one's own attitude clear".
"It is important that young people acquire the skills to deal with these things adequately, reflect them, and that parents should have an opinion, should be concerned with themselves and share their attitude with the young people. "
"It is important to ensure that adolescents can, if necessary, reach adults who can answer their actual questions about pornographic representations in an open and competent manner."
Sensitively hooking means initially show understanding and usually takes an argument with your own sexual biography. This promotes an understanding of the perception of one's own sexual self-concept. In the area of sex education, there is a lack of self-concern to transfer your own ideas of sexuality and sexual maturity to your children unreflected.
You will find a self-test here
rules x 10 questions x 10 answers
Searching for the conversation is trainable. The focus here is on the mediation of respect for feelings and needs. There is no pattern recipe. What is there are: